


Don't let Malcolm near the bar.

by mistressterably



Series: One offs - TTOI related [2]
Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Drunk Sex, Multi, Oral Sex, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:46:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4517199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistressterably/pseuds/mistressterably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tumblr Anon prompt: Malcolm never drinks, ends up sloshed at a conference, uncontrollable. Nicola, Julius take him under control. Smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't let Malcolm near the bar.

'Fuck off! You fat farting fuck!' Malcolm was making no sense whatsoever. They were at a Party conference event where there were thankfully no press. While Malcolm had never before been seen to drink anything stronger than 'lite' wine tonight he had wound up drunk. Drunk, loud, and obnoxious as hell. Nicola and Julius, the only other reasonably sober senior party members left in the conference room, were directed by Tom to get Malcolm out of there with as little fuss as possible.

As they were talking, Malcolm could be heard from across the room. He'd cornered Ollie Reader, holding him by the shirt front. 'Fucking leak boy. Told you to fucking leak stats not your fucking dick! Why the fuck do you still work for me! Wait.. no.. you don't fucking work for me. You work for fucking Nicla.. PFI .. Pussy Fucking Incompetent!' 

'Malcolm, what is wrong with you?' Ollie was trying to get Malcolm to back off. 'You are so drunk!'

'Just you wait, limp dick! I will have your balls skimmed off and boiled in hot grease like a deep fried Mars bar!' Malcolm kept on until he was bracketed on one said by Nicola and Julius on the other. Julius took hold of Malcolm's arm and Nicola managed to get the glass of wine out of his grasp. 'Nicla! Baldy Fuck!' Malcolm beamed at them. 'How the fuck are you? You two fucking one another now?'

'Malcolm, Nicola and I have some important things to discuss with you.'

'Oh fuck, you two thinking you have something important to fucking say to me! That's like a tiny piece of toilet paper telling a diarrhoea covered ass that they'll clean it all up. So very fucking possible.' Malcolm's tirade continued even as they managed to lead him out of the room. As they passed by one of the other young minister's aides, Malcolm broke away from them to bark at the young man about not being able to piss without directions. 

'Malcolm!' Nicola became impatient with him. 'You don't even know who that fellow is! There's no call for that.'

'Well if I don't fucking know him now I will soon enough and then,' Malcolm was in her face with Julius clutching his arm. 'Then I'll be able to fucking bollock him again.'

'Which room are you staying in,' Julius asked quietly, interjecting to see if he could distract Malcolm. 

'Wouldn't you like to fucking know, spongecock!' Malcolm leered at Julius. 'Both of you. Like to know which room I'm in would you!' He laughed loudly until he started coughing. 'Get me in my fucking room and I'll be fucking both of you.'

'I'm sure you will be,' Nicola said. 'So, how about we get you there quickly.'

'Mmyeah!' Malcolm leered at her. 'Always thought you were colder than a fucking ice cube but maybe I was wrong. Julius I know has a hot cock. I've heard about what he gets up to. ' Julius was blushing at Malcolm's chatter. He tried to shake his head at Nicola, implying that it was in Malcolm's imagination but the look she shot him was more curiosity than disbelief. 

'Which room, Malcolm.' Julius asked again. 

'Sixty fucking nine!' He laughed at his own joke.

'We're taking you to your room, Malcolm. You're drunk!' Nicola was getting more frustrated at how obnoxious Malcolm was being. 

'If I tell you can I finger you?' Malcolm asked, his voice low and husky. 'Or if you want you can wank me off instead.'

'You are a sick fuck!' Nicola told him. 

'I'm in room 322.' Malcolm leered at her. 'You can decide by the time we get there. Although if you let me finger you I'll probably blow my wad anyway!'

'Try to keep your wad under control.' Julius said calmly as they led him to the elevator to go down to the third floor. 

They finally made it Malcolm's room with Malcolm being more and more rude in his suggestions of what they could do once they got there. Julius got him to the bed and was trying to get him to stop unbuckling his own belt while Nicola latched the door closed. 'We can't just leave him here alone can we?'

'No.' Julius said with a sigh. 'He'd be the type to vomit on himself and probably choke on it or escape and cause more havoc elsewhere. The last thing Tom wants is to have Malcolm be in the press at all. Drunk would be worse.'

'Can we maybe just knock him out then?' She asked quietly as they watched Malcolm fixate on undoing his belt. 

'I don't think either of us could afford an assault charge.' Julius stated logically.'He's bound to pass out on his own.'

'I hope so.' Nicola said. 'You can go handle him.'

'Thanks.' Julius sounded as eager as she felt. 

'Julius!' Malcolm sounded as if he'd not seen Julius for years. 'How are you you cock-sucking gobshite! I've got a raging stiffie you can work on. Dressing up does that to me. It's the fancy shorts I have to wear with them. Silky and smooth rubbing on my prick. You know what I'm talking about right?' Malcolm stopped fussing with his belt and put an arm around Julius. 'Right?' Malcolm reached down to start roughly rubbing Julius's crotch. 'Hah! You've got a hard-on! Knew it.' 

Julius blushed and flicked a look back at Nicola who was trying very hard to not smile at his discomfort. 'Malcolm, just because I'm aroused doesn't mean it's because of you.'

'Oh, don't worry, mate. I won't take it personally. But I'll have to insist on watching you and Nicola bang then. She's more your type anyway. Soft and squidgy. You couldn't handle a hard cock anyway.'

'How about you just lie down and maybe get some sleep?' Julius suggested.

Malcolm snorted at the idea and started to squeeze Julius cock again. 'Sleep is for fuckers. I'm hard, you're hard. Nicla's wet. Wait,' He paused and rubbed his forehead. Turning to Nicola, he leaned over her, almost toppling on top of her but hanging on to the arms of the chair. His face was close to hers, the stale wine on his breath, 'Are you wet?'

'I am not interested, Malcolm!' Nicola protested.

'Didn't ask that,' He grumbled and started to slip his hand up her skirt. 'Asked if you were wet. You have to be, you got two guys here with raging hard cocks.'

'Malcolm stop, ' Nicola's voice cut off as his fingers found her crotch. Blinking, when she thought he'd be rough he was actually quite gentle. 

He still stank of wine but his voice had changed as he touched her. 'You are wet. I know how to treat a woman. Not like Julius. Julius wants it rammed hard but you, women, you need it to be gentle, slow. Too hard and it's not as good. Need you to cum for me.' Nicola bit her lip as he fingered her gently. Despite her misgivings, she was enjoying what he was doing to her. 'See. I know how to make a woman cum.' Malcolm dipped his head to her neck, kissing her and kept stroking her clit. 

Julius came over to them, drawing Malcolm away from Nicola. 'Stop that, she's married! You're drunk and you aren't thinking straight.'

Malcolm was annoyed at being interrupted. Nicola, recovering herself, was straightening her skirt, squeezing her legs together. He'd brought her quite close with what he had done. 'Fucker. You're just fucking jealous. Fine, I'll fuck you first, fuck you hard enough so that you can't fucking interrupt me getting Nicola off. ' For a third time, Malcolm's hand was roughly grabbing Julius's cock. 

Julius grabbed Malcolm's hand and pressed it hard against his cock but holding it still. 'IF!' He hissed at him threateningly. 'If I let you fuck me that hard, promise me you won't touch her again.'

'Only fuck you?' Malcolm tried to process that in his sodden brain. 'What if I get hard again? What'll I do then?'

Julius grimaced and then said, 'If after you fuck me that hard and you stiffen again I'll suck you off.'

Malcolm's brain worked hard at the idea before he raised his free hand, still happily clutching Julius hard on. 'Suck me off first then I'll fuck you. Leave Nicola alone! That order. BUT!' He waved his finger at Julius, 'If she willingly sits on my face I get to eat her. At any time!' He grinned at Julius and then turned to wink at Nicola. 'That okay with you, darling? You call the shots?'

Nicola nodded, she had an escape clause now. Her look to Julius pleaded with him. 

'And!' Malcolm added, his finger pressing against Julius' lips now. 'She gets to watch you get fucked!'

Julius, caught in a web that was of his own making really, looked at Nicola. Nicola nodded and mouthed to him, We'll talk tomorrow. 'Deal!' 

Malcolm laughed aloud, his head back. 'Hah! Good. My cock really really hurts right now. Need to cum badly.'

Julius pushed Malcolm backwards onto the bed, Once he was prone, Julius took over. There was no way he was going to have a drunk Malcolm on top of him. Malcolm put his hands under his head, 'Get sucking, you fucker. You know you want to!'

Julius knelt on the bed, hands unzipping Malcolm's trousers and pushing his shirt up out of the way. Tugging his trousers down, he then pushed his shorts down to expose his erection. He had to say he was impressed by what he saw and began to stroke the length of Malcolm's cock. All he got by response was a moan from the Scotsman. Pushing the fact that Nicola may or may not be watching him do this, he started sucking Malcolm off. Bobbing up and down the length. 

Nicola, sitting in her chair, tucked her legs up under her and watched. It was uncomfortable at first. She could tell that Julius wasn't quite into it himself but for the sake of the Party he was giving Malcolm a blow job. After a few minutes, Julius began to relax and started to enjoy what he was doing and Nicola found herself getting turned on. 

Malcolm found voice again, 'Oh yeah, baldy, fucking suck me off.' He reached down to stroke Julius smooth head. 'Bet your cock is as smooth as your head. Can't wait to see it. Maybe you'll let me jack you off?' He licked his lips, enjoying the blow job. Bucking his hips upwards, Malcolm tried to get Julius to suck him faster but Julius was too good at keeping him under control. 'Yeah, fuck. Damn, you fucking know how to use your tongue, don't you? Shit, yeah! That was good.' Malcolm sat up, both hands now on Julius's head, wanting him to go harder. Julius just gripped the base of Malcolm's cock in one hand and went at his own pace. Finally, Malcolm closed his eyes and tilted his head back. 'You fucker!' He cried out and felt himself cum. Julius kept hold of him, mouth around the tip of his cock and drank him in. 

Looking up finally, Julius licked his lips with his back to Nicola so that she wouldn't see that part. Releasing his hold on the base of Malcolm's cock, he ran a thumb over the still wet head and watched the Scotsman tremble with delight. Malcolm's chest was rising and falling from his heavy breathing. 'You fucker.' Malcolm breathed. 'Goddamn cock-sucking fucker.' He reached down to stroke his own quickly softening cock. 'Sucked me dry.' He mumbled as he let his head fall back on the bed. Julius just knelt on the edge of the bed quietly, His own cock was achingly hard in his trousers but he let that be for now as Malcolm's breathing slowed and then he began to snore, sprawled on the bed with his trousers half down and his shirt hitched up. 

Julius got up, went over to where Nicola sat. Her face was flushed and it was obvious to him that she'd been getting herself off. He leaned over and whispered. 'Don't take this the wrong way but I think I'll go in the washroom and take care of myself now.'

'You don't have to if I can...' Nicola let the offer hang in the air but Julius shook his head. She pursed her lips, understanding him now, and just nodded. 

In the washroom, Julius away from Nicola's gaze took his own cock out and feverishly masturbated. He really didn't care for women sexually but Malcolm was certainly worth it and he was soon cumming in his hand. Washing up, he then straightened his clothes and emerged from the washroom. Nicola had composed herself. 'I'll watch him the rest of the night. If he doesn't remember anything I'll let you know but if he does recall anything then we may have to have a conversation between us at some point.'

Nicola laid a hand on his forearm. 'Julius, don't worry. I won't say anything. I'm as embarrassed by this as you are.'

He smiled at her. 'We'll talk another time. Good night, Nicola.'

Once she had left, Julius looked at Malcolm, drunkenly asleep and began to strip him properly, got him under the covers and then curled up on the bed beside him, clothed and on top of the sheets. Hopefully all Malcolm would remember was waking up with himself. Easier for two people to keep secrets than three.


End file.
